The Eden Theory

Fear itself

2011-11-01T00:27:00.000+08:00

You will not understand what i would have meant by breaking the nature's cycle, you haven't been through it cos you been living in this mechanized world the entire time and if i try to explain to you i can't because you've already been brainwashed.

Break free from your chains and start embracing what you belonged to from instinct. Many times your belief is more than just a delusion so never ever trust it.

Fear,
Fear itself.

2011-10-24T23:03:00.001+08:00

Random but insightful (or maybe just to me) post:

Today was so weird studying at the usual Macs, had a whole army over - Gab Ken Agnes and even Kel and Wai Ying. Then there were so many freaking CJ people today I swear who I never saw before in my entire life there, then my brother and a friend came over and I saw them. ANDDDDD.. while I was walking some guy who was running on the pavement went: "Ngiam Ngiam". LOL NORMAN.

Yeah, that's all actually :D

Anyways hello baby honey darling bear! If you're reading this, (which I know you are!) Know that I love you always and forever, NOTHING will stand in our way and stop being so meannnnnn to me whenever people are around!

AND PLEASE SLEEP EARLY TONIGHT AND STUDY GP AND STOP FORGETTING ABOUT IT COS IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. :)

Hehe.

Goodnight!

2011-10-10T06:48:00.001+08:00

Isn't it funny how time consumes you?

And how as strong as you tell yourself to be, you're unable to guard against the shadows from the past.

2011-09-07T23:47:00.003+08:00

I'm sick and tired of living this Asian shadow.

Not being able to pursue what you love.

Coming home to the ringing sounds of "study HARDER"

Pragmatism > Passion.

Oh God,

If I were to ask one thing.

It would sound so underrated and overused.

Freedom please.

2011-05-05T22:44:00.000+08:00

I hate for the sake of hating.
I take revenge cos I like being vengeful.
Don't question my principles.

Goodbye and thank you.
Never again.

2011-04-24T11:37:00.001+08:00

I envy you because you are able to find true friends.

2011-04-03T15:24:00.001+08:00

Thank you God,
for making me stronger.

I am finally able to put these weaknesses behind me.
For those who spite me and try to whittle my defences.
They won't succeed.

2011-03-20T21:56:00.002+08:00

I'm a protector of dreams.

I protect my memories, my thoughts. Maybe because they are the only thing that hold dear to me. That they are honestly who I am, because once I lose them I become like any other carbon copy that we were made to be. I never want to share it, because they are mine, mine, mine.

Mine.

And no one else's. I think I'm really aggressive on whoever tries to intrude into this domain, never try to because I will devour you. On certain accounts though, I will permit you to enter. Some, even I want you to be part of me. But once that happens, that's when your nightmares start because you'll fall deeper till you want out.

I'm a protector of dreams.

My own dreams and everyone else's. I want to believe that what I think will be what happens. Do not try to intrude, I will devour you.

2011-03-15T20:42:00.002+08:00

We all walk this road alone.
We just don't know it.
Unwilling to turn back on the eyes of our friends.

Have we lost all humanity?
Have we lost our sanity?
Probing into the depths of darkness.
We won't realize that we've sunk.

I hope you can realize this.
We are alone.
We are not alone.
Letting our minds go.

2011-03-09T17:56:00.002+08:00

As we walk down this trodden path.
I hope we remember what was important to us.

I've come to senses with it that at this point of my life.
No one's gonna be with you pushing you all the way.
It's every man for himself, such a world.
Gone used to be friendships of the old.
No one wants to share your burdens.
No one wants to hear you out.

I scream but no one hear.
I talk but they dissipate into whispers.
I call for help, but people walk past me.
I swim, and I drown.

I don't think anyone will be able to help us once we reach this stage.
They will never find me cos I've been camouflaged so perfectly into this globe.

My secret wish:
To be appreciated, to be loved for a person.
And not as an object.
To always remain in special to anyone and everyone.
And make a mark in people's lives.
I want to be special.

The special boy you remembered me by.
Flashback.

2010-12-08T22:46:00.003+08:00

When I grow old.
I will always remember my childhood and adolescent years.
How they were forged by hate and disbelief.
How they were forged by the useless people around me.
How I was forced to grow out of thorns.
I've really suffered so much, but I don't hate it.
I thank for all my sufferings, because they mold me into who I am now.

Strong, resilient.
Which is why I can't stand the weak.
And the useless.

People will never understand me.
They will never trust me that I would do everything I can.
They will not believe that I can do what I set out to do.
No one believes in my passion.
they say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.
I dream with goals and work.
But the pragmatic world is against me.

People,
are disgusting.
Weak, useless, they can't achieve anything.
Just get rid of those who can't do anything.
Because they aren't worth.
Your's and mine.

Impulsiveness and incompatibility.
they will be my downfall.
But I tell you,
my weaknesses will be my strengths one day.
I'll not fall to anyone.
Because I've gone through so much more than most people my age do.
I've seen your ugly side.
I've seen no beauty.

Realism.

2010-12-05T22:01:00.002+08:00

And in a blink of an eye.
Your life has just flashed past by you.

I think that this whole while, my life has been so surreal in such a way that I don't think I exist anymore because I'm again trying to comprehend my existence. This year has totally been a gap year and I'm not doing anything to fill in the spaces. Friends leaving me and moving on with their lives, and with the new people that I meet not accepting me and judging my iniquities.

I have been inactive for too long, not just on this. In my life, I've now understand why Zheng Jie was like that for the past year too. Everything is just this slow and I cannot comprehend I cannot comprehend I cannot comprehend. My life wasn't supposed to turn out this way. Now I'm caught in this trap which most people were not supposed to fall into. I need guidance.

I need someone to show me the way to everything. There's a reason why I have decided to come back here.

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On another note, just came back from HK trip with the Band. Was fun in it's own ways, but I think I'll never be able to bond with this batch because we are just too different and our perception of music will not be the same.

I don't understand people.
They won't understand me as well.
Guess I'll never.

2010-08-15T20:57:00.000+08:00

Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy? Why you so lousy?

2010-08-10T23:30:00.001+08:00

i'm not xing hao. i'm jacqqqqqqq.

hii bb! u r qtpieeeee

it's latelate so i cannot think of what to say naoooo... :'(

but ilyvm :]

hellooooo byebyeeeee

bb updateupdate!!!

2010-06-27T22:09:00.002+08:00

Hahaha whenever I see people just blabbering on about their pathetic plight, I can't help but feel even more pathetic for them. Already they are in such a loser state but they choose just to OH WHINE ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. I wanna cry boohoo no one loves me, and they try to proclaim it to the world hoping to get some attention but it backfires.

I'm sorry to be an ass but it's just too funny laughing at you hahahaha. You piece of shit.

MID YEARS THIS WEEK.
OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO! :(

2010-06-23T08:52:00.002+08:00

Hello,
It's been long ever since I've seen the dashboard of blogger.
It feels weird and foreign.
But anyways, I'm back! (For the moment)

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I've been thinking about music for the past few months.
Really making alot of decisions that might screw up my life.
But sometimes when I just stop to think pragmatically again.
I just feel that it isn't a very wise decision because.
Once again I know that I'm not the best and THAT.
Will definitely be my downfall.

Because everyone > you
It's just so hard to find yourself competing against.
The best and you are this miniscule feather around.
So harddddddd and I'm reconsidering AGAIN.
But it's really something I love (no matter how cliche it is)
And to people who thinks I can't make it.
Screw you!!! Because only I can think that way.

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The holidays are coming to a close yet again.
And I feel like I've wasted it AGAIN :(
From a 17 again perspective.
I grew fatter I studied less.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!!?

But if one thing makes me happy is that.
I spent the holidays mostly with a very special girl of mine :)
I never regretted that because I love my baby! :)

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I'm so not in a thinking mood right now.
Just feel like a blahhhhhhh.
So I shan't write anymore.
Bye!

2010-05-24T23:17:00.001+08:00

How can you love someone.
Who loves herself more than you?

2010-05-03T18:10:00.001+08:00

I think there comes a point of time.
Where I will stop caring.
Cos no matter how much I keep trying to care.
The person isn't receptive at all.
And I just get heartbroken all over again.
It's just that there's no care.
All selfishness and nothing.

Why do I care so much?
When I can just give 2 fucks about everything.
Screw this shit.
So from now on, nonchalance will be my everything then.

Too bad.
I didn't ask for this.
Fuck it lah, whatever.

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But thanks to the people who genuinely cares and will be there for me!
When I need them to be.

2010-04-30T22:10:00.000+08:00

Still suffering in silence.

There's no difference.

2010-04-22T22:16:00.002+08:00

After awhile I just realize.
No matter what you've been through.
Or who you've lost or who've you gained through the whole arduous journey.
Every single person that passes your life.

You're still alone.

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So lonely now.
That I wanna know why.
I just wanna question all the intricacies of this Earth.

No matter how alone I was before.
Or how I've found you now.
There's no difference.
I'm still a loner, no one understands my plights.

No one can devote all their time to me.
No one can bring my life back to me.
You can't help me through my life all the time.

And I expect so much.
I just want you to look at me.
I just want you to ask how I am.
And when I'm say I'm okay, you'll just bug me and follow me around.
But the thing is, everytime I'm sad.

I'm just left alone more.
I have to suffer this shit alone more.
Alone.

When will all these loneliness be over.
How many years has it been.
I've been trying to get out of the spiral.

But in the end, still alone.

2010-04-20T21:01:00.000+08:00

Insecure.
Unsatisfied.
Lonely.
Malnourished.

I just need you.
But you don't need me.

Who do I turn to now.

2010-04-06T20:36:00.002+08:00

Far away.
This ship is taking me far away.
Far away from the memories.
Of the people who'd care if I lived or die.

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Strange.

I thought after everything, I would be feeling like I deserve something or rather like I'll be closer to people around me. But actually. I just feel more and more distant, it's just taking me further and further away from everyone, every single human emotion that I've been in contact with just seems like a huge monstrosity now.

I don't know! Shouldn't I feel closer and more at ease because of you? But I'm drifting away from everyone, I just don't feel like anyone wants to talk to me anymore. Day after day after day I'm just sinking into sand and soon, disappear. I don't know if we actually choose who we want to be or we are actually pre-made into packets of boxes like that.

God, I'm thinking too much again. I just need a break. And the pressure is on me to do well, if I fail any subject, there I go out of CJ. I don't know I don't know.

What am I doing?

2010-04-03T01:27:00.002+08:00

Humans.

Everyone has their own little dark secrets. Everyone has something to hide. What if they were worse than our craziest imaginations. Do you ever think you could chip off the ice from a frozen block once it isolates itself? You have your own secrets, so do I. It's our decision whether we would want to tell anyone, but there it brings up the matter of trust again, everyone has their perceptions of what is right and wrong. And of course, it comes up to that judgmental and pragmatic world POV again.

It's sad how the way people think isn't the way individuals think. Whenever we want to do something, we first erect a barrier around ourselves and wonder: is this the way I should go about doing it? And we build all these defences when in actual fact, all we need is a peace treaty. With our inner self of course, you can feel the fire in these city lights burn for now, but once we are gone, we are gone. And there's not any a way that you can ignite the embers again because it disappears.

Like an eternal flame extinguished.

Do we all have answers to the questions that we pose for each another? Do we actually know the person sitting beside us? Do we know who comes and go for you. It's a saddening fact actually that you don't know anyone.

Stop right here, don't say you do.

You don't know your best friend like you think you do, you don't know your parents as you thought you knew them. You never knew me. We are all just a little bunch of clothed people hiding our secrets. Our deepest iniquities. The person who you grew up with for 16 years, he's just a stranger. A stranger who's obligated to say hi to you. We all have these little margins in our head wondering what we're supposed to do, or rather what we are NOT supposed to do. All we found was trouble, with ourselves of course.

I'd pull myself back to life.
But life is cheating me again.

Thoughtful.

2010-03-30T22:40:00.001+08:00

this place needs to be livened up :)

2010-03-16T22:05:00.002+08:00

Maybe, we've changed. You and I both.
And there's no way we can go back to the way we were.
Am I asking for too much? I think I am.
Maybe I should just, stop being so demanding.

But one thing I know for sure.
We will never go ahead to where we were before.
Maybe I should end this, maybe I shouldn't.
If it's causing us more distress than joy.

I can't go around in circles all the time.
Is it that difficult just to ask for someone who will be there for you.
All the time?
I guess it actually is.

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I'm.
A loser.
When I compare myself with others.
I'm not good-looking, I'm fat.
I'm useless, I have no real talent, honestly.

And my leadership skills suck.
Sir isn't even happy to come to CJ.
When he goes to AC, it's so different.
Maybe I just suck.

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I'm just a little bit more than useless.

2010-03-14T21:34:00.000+08:00

Because I don't know what happens behind my back.
Because I hate being jealous.
Because I just want to stop all this.
Because I just need a mindbreak.
Because it's too much.
Because I never wanted this to happen.
Because of insensitivity.

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I need to rethink.

2010-03-11T22:38:00.001+08:00

Have you guys ever thought about marriage?
I'm 17 and wth, I'm questioning myself about it.
That... isn't really right, right?

2010-03-10T21:56:00.002+08:00

You know, maybe I was probably never ready for a relationship. I always thought I would be but I realized it takes more than just 2 people to click with one another. It's a whole new level of committment and understanding but somehow not everyone understands that. I think it's different from what people think it is, I'm having so much trouble trying to understand everything that is happening, trying to ignore and forgive all the flaws I see in her, trying just to be understand whatever is happening, but honestly it's quite hard.

The paranoia is killing me I think, I have to handle this handle that, and to top it all, handle all these emotional stress. Or maybe it's just today is honestly a fucked up day for me, it's been moodswingy and I can't stand it, I start to pick on all the little things that actually don't matter and I'm being a bitch to everyone, I can't stand it.

Maybe, I'm not even cut out for a relationship at all, I rush into things too fast and I don't know what I'm doing most of the time, I can't control my own emotions and yet I think I can control a relationship, how wrong can I get. I get drawn in too deep and sometimes when she doesn't care, I just care too much and I don't know how I'm going to get out of this whirlpool, it's tiring when sometimes it's just one and not two. I'm really feeling so :/ now and I wanna die.

):
What am I thinking about?
I don't know.

2010-03-10T06:55:00.001+08:00

...Well, maybe that's the problem with having closer friends.

Time to go to school.

2010-03-05T22:06:00.003+08:00

Outlook of life: Good

Haha, nothing I can complain about right now. Except for the fact I hope I don't get screwed over by sir over and over again, it's coming to light why I'm not enjoying Band anymore. It's probably because of my committee status, I'm sure many would agree with me. I just wish sometimes I could change the ways things are done.

But anyways let's not get back to the dark side of life when I'm feeling good about life right now. Studies, NO CHINESE :D, my hair (or not, soon), and of course for the very very awesome people around me. (YES NICOLE/BIRD I'M NOT WRITING THIS JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, IT COMES DEEP DOWN FROM MY BERRY BERRY HEART!)

:)

Wow, but I just know.
I just so know, sooner or later.
Something ominous is probably gonna strike me.

2010-03-03T06:50:00.002+08:00

I hate it when I'm trying to find a CD and it magically disappears.
I WANT MY SHOWBIZ AND HULLABALOO NOW ):

2010-03-01T06:30:00.000+08:00

2010-02-28T23:05:00.001+08:00

Hilarious lol.

2010-02-28T14:09:00.002+08:00

Thoughts are like everyday people who will walk past your life every single day. And sometimes even though you might know them or not, they will still not acknowledge your presence even though you do theirs and they come and leave just like that. Inputs and outputs are not even existent anymore, they can't see you, you can't see them. And eventually, we will all disappear into the darkness.

I've been contemplating my change for a very long time. I'm comparing myself with what I was last year, and back in secondary school. I think I've come a long way of change till the point that I can't decide if I like or dislike what I am. It's hardening and confusing because everyone who I knew turns like silhouettes and they disappear upon daybreak which makes me understand that it is what cause me to become what I am and it's hard.

It's hard living life in my position, now I know how all of them felt last year because on the surface they are really pretending to be strong cos they don't want their friends to know how shitty they're feeling inside seeing them having fun all the time. And even they don't know whether their friends are still friends anymore because when they see each other all they have to say to each other is silence. Because each of us have our own lives and once you move on, or you backtrack back into life, there is this irreversible gap that can't be filled.

I watch people who I once talked to alot pass by me in school and I can only come up with a "hi". How pathetic I've become because I have no idea what else to say to them, I'm useless because maybe it's because of my lack of shame that I try to act like we're all okay and we are like we once were but no, it's different, 10 years down the road if I ever see them again it's going to have a same effect. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes you forget, it cleans out the memories of whatever friends you had before.

Yet, people still come to me for support and I am helpless because I don't even know how to aid my own position where everyone will keep thinking that 'he's okay' & 'I'm sure he's surviving alright in J1'. But I wish I could multiply myself again so that I could be in many places at time for people. But then again I have to ask myself, who am I to think that people actually need my presence because maybe they're just using my for something else.

And worse of all, it doesn't help where no one understands what you're going through and even when they say they do they really don't. They don't actually care about your plight and what you're going through because they can't be bothered and they have their own lives to lead, they want to get past JC with happy memories and not memories of caring for people like me. I'll be happier if I don't burden anyone with anything too but sometimes all I ask is for someone to take me in and understand my situations and not try to argue against them telling me that it will always be better. Because I don't want to hear that shit, I want to hear someone telling me : "yeah this is complete crap, your life is fucked up"

And for people who can live life so intricately. Stop living in that bubble and start bursting it because it isn't a rainbow like you think it is. Everyone protects themselves and once you start losing it, it's gone and you don't have what to live your life anymore.

How do you find someone who care for you more than you do for yourself.
It's impossible, because no one like that exists.
That's why I will stop believing.
Solitaire.

2010-02-26T00:43:00.000+08:00

How do I regain the use of my taste buds? ):
I seriously can't taste ANYTHING at all.
It's been a week.
Sigh

Anyways quick update!
Been practicing alot of Rockefella.
Even though we know our Band's not the best.
We of course want to show some standard for everyone.
Aim to have fun, not to win :)

Ahhhhh, what else.
My home tutor is one fucked up assholes who don't like repeat students.
Well, sigh retainees have it hard. REAL hard, probably not much knows what I'm going through.
Well, if he wants attitude I can show him attitude throughout this whole year.
And maybe the next if I still can stay in CJ.

I'm tired.
tired.
tired.
tired.
TIRED!

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Say you belong to me.
And don't let me go.

2010-02-23T23:26:00.002+08:00

Wow I hate being fucking paranoid.
Sometimes I just sit down and I think.
Think and think and think and think.
Then I realize people don't think about me at all.
Which I start to really worry because if they don't.

Who have I been caring for these past few years?

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh, because I hate being paranoid when I think that the people I'm caring for doesn't even give me a second look. Because they probably don't. And sometimes even when they say they do, it's not the way that I had expected it to be. I'm actually honestly can admit to everyone and myself I'm just attention deficit. Probably it came from the lack of attention I had when I was young or somehow, I just want to be noticed.

By certain people...

Our hopes and expectations.
Always falls short.

Or maybe I just expect too much.
They say I'm changing into a perfectionist.
Like someone I know, but I don't want that to happen.

I longingly look for people to turn my life around.
A simple hi or a hug would do.
I don't get it ):

2010-02-21T12:01:00.001+08:00

Girls are so symmetrical.

2010-02-18T23:29:00.001+08:00

School - Band - Study - Tuition - Sleep - Iron clothes - Get sick
(and repeat and repeat and repeat)

Mundane shit.
I wish I could jump away to the sunset.
On the day where we first metttttttt!

2010-02-16T22:27:00.002+08:00

Maybe I'm actually one of those real heartless bastards who don't give a shit when anything happens so stop overestimating my sincerity! I think maybe I've been putting on a false show all these time and I can't really show how much of a bastard I am to people. And my defences have been dropping like fly bombs nowadays. I wondered when did I let down my guard, I should just stop people from entering my life and intruding, this isn't right I feel like that too many people know too much about me. I have to close.

To close these stitches.

And maybe I'm doing something right or maybe I'm not. But it's just eating me from the inside and somehow I just have to do something (or maybe not). But how am I supposed to answer questions, cos it's too shit and when people find out, they'll just look at me with condescending eyes and I want to retain my friends and not let them think I'm actually a fickle bastard. But someone help me please, I don't want prying eyes who criticize me for everything I do, but I need friends to understand where I'm coming from :(

Reservations are not made sometimes, they can just be predicted. And I don't know where I'm walking to, but I'm sure walking into a straight wall nowadays, it's tiring trying to keep up from one side and sometime's I just have to realize I'm not strong enough and I need, I really need to depend on people. But stubbornness just gets in my way.

Pizza and Ice Cream.
Oh well, school's tomorrow.
Welcome to the master plan!

2010-02-15T14:29:00.002+08:00

Everyone in this world has an Achilles's heel, a weakness.
I guess mine is my own emotions.

Sometimes all the vulnerabilities will surface.
And it comes to swallow you up.

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What if I did something wrong?
That I told you I would never.
Would you all hate me?

Because I don't want to lose my friends.
But it's just that I don't want to be looked upon.
Like this.

2010-02-09T20:45:00.000+08:00

Hello you.
You're a pathetic excuse for an existence.
I will beat you, I swear I will reign victorious over you.

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Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study Band Study
2.4, pull ups, 2.4 pull ups.

Nothing is gonna stop me you motherfucker.

2010-02-08T22:44:00.002+08:00

There will be one day where I have to stop depending on my technicalities, I've been masking behind them for way too long. Long tones and whatnot I've been just pushing under the rug. I can't even play a pedal Eb on a Yamaha. I'm damn noob or what? I've been neglecting my own self practice and I've deteriorated alot, I have no idea what's happening to myself at all.

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You know what fills me now?
Angst and fury just waiting to be unleashed.
It's all caught up inside and that's all I think about.

Get the fuck away from me because I can't stand it.
(Don't) leave me alone or I'll just accumulate.
You can't just step in and out as you wish.
Be prepared to suffer the consequences.

I have decided on what I really have to do now.
But it's all based on the wrong things: mainly vengeance.
All I want is revenge for something that went really wrong.
It's not wrong for me to want that.

I'm doing the right things but.
The rationale behind it is wrong.
Ironic no? I just want revenge.
Revenge.
Revenge.
Revenge.

2010-02-07T23:33:00.002+08:00

I realize that in times like these, all the more I shouldn't be crumbling down. After all, I realized that (not to boost my ego) many people are actually depending on me for emotional support as well. We are all interdependent pillars and if I fall and I start showing my vulnerability, the people around me will fall as well. I have to very well be at my strongest for everyone because I want to help others and not let them fall while I am down as well.

I'm strong than this I know, I'm not going to let some fucker get me down and I know I can move on with the same way that person did. Without giving a shit and going on and on about OH OPTIMISM AND EVERYTHING CAN JUST BE THE WAY IT WAS AGAIN. Whatever, I will not bother myself with things that can't be bothered with me.

I am strong.
I am willed.
I shall never show my weaknesses again.
I will not trust.
Anyone,
ever again.

Everytime I decide to come out of my personal hell hole and that I want to learn how to trust someone, I put all my emotions into it and I want the person to know that they're not just someone else that I tell my shit to because they're different and that I don't open myself up to anyone just for no reason. But whenever I do that, the person never gets it and they continue to treat my like the average friend which I hate because I do treat them very much differently from others.

I was just another friend to you.

And the person has to come out to betray your friendship by saying all sorts of irrational stuff that just tends to piss you off everytime you think about it and tries to save their own asses by giving all sorts of excuses. I gave my all to someone, but they just threw it away because they thought it was useless to them.

But it was my everything.

But thank you for opening my eyes again.
Or rather, I have been blinded these whole time.
I will stick to my dogma of independence.
And I will never trust anyone ever again.
Because I live for myself.
And humans disgusts me with their lies.

2010-02-07T12:49:00.002+08:00

If this doesn't cheer me up I don't know what will.

2010-02-06T20:12:00.001+08:00

Yeah thank you.
I love being a victim of hurt.

2010-02-04T00:44:00.000+08:00

Muse today was awesome awesome awesome awesome there's no way I can do to describe it. It was like I was on the floor taking drugs on such a high that I wasn't even sure what the hell I was doing and when everyone screamed the lyrics, shivers were sent down my spine literally, I fucking love Muse if there isn't any other way to describe it, they're the best shit ever.

And the mosh pit is my friend :D
I love dancing and moshing with all the people in the pit.
AWESOME SHITNESS.

"OUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT"
"MY PLUG IN BABYYYYYYY"
Hahahahaha the best.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note.
:(

I don't know why.
Help.

2010-02-02T21:30:00.001+08:00

Sometimes your words, all your thoughts and insensitivity.
Have you ever wondered how I would feel? Like I'd be numb to everything.
I'm kinda hurt today because of what you said.
I don't know why I do.
):

2010-02-01T21:25:00.002+08:00

Just now, I was just taking a casual walk along Toa Payoh to get my hair cut (like finally) I plugged in my ever trusty earphones into myself and I just walked and walked listening to Muse. Then I decided to take note of my surroundings for real, I love how my IPod stretches me this far from reality but somehow I'm still so much in touch with it. I love not listening to what people around me are saying, living in my own world but I still get to see their faces.

It's like being inflicted with a loss of your sense but in this case it's for the better. I was thinking through my mind all the faces and what I could interpret from them. I wanted to remember all those looks on their faces and I wanted to remember them, so I took out my phone and started to type down all the expressions I saw and I wanted to repost them here. However.. my stupidity got the better of me and I deleted my saved draft somehow.

But point being! That sometimes I think I fail to recognize the most simple but earnest things that are happening around me, those faces, faces of fear, happiness, eargerness, love, jealously. Their self-conscious appearances and their doubtful faces all reminds me of how everything can be compressed into such a magical finality.

I think I never tried to cripple myself.
To inflict myself with the highest form of pain to realize.
What is actually real around me.

I'm thinking too much again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was my first day with my new class.
1t36.
Mehhh, I really have no idea what to say.
I just hope it isn't...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd travel half the world to say:
I belong to you
:)

I don't know but I'm feeling ever more attracted to you because there's something about you that's so different from everyone that I want to embrace and I want to hold you in my arms without letting go. I want to hear the silence that we can both can give and let the echoes of our silence fill the air. I want to know what's really in your heart and I want to hear you say it!

Hold me close and never let go.
:)

2010-01-28T21:43:00.003+08:00

I wish you knew how I felt when I say that these few past few days has been more harrowing for me than anything else, including Band and all the little nitty gritty shit that has stuck onto me like a leech. All because of you, I'm worrying my ass off but you probably don't know or don't want to think that I'm actually caring but the truth is I do, alot. Whatever that you're feeling, I'm probably feeling the same shitty emotions but you don't think I do! It's tough to do it while handling all the little things that are happening around me, it's... agonizing. ):

Or maybe I just want to be noticed.
(By you)
:(

2010-01-27T22:41:00.000+08:00

Humans are ever so interesting.

They will find reasons to save their asses only when they are driven into a hopeless corner.
Desperation drives such posture, very good.

But it also shows how disgusting you are.

2010-01-27T08:16:00.002+08:00

Haha omg damn cute!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week is my last week to freedom before I officially start school on Thursday, IT'S GOING TO BE DAMN SIANNNNNNNN, doing everything all over again. But I guess I don't mind because I chose this route and I know I should stick to it. But this week was kinda alright, with Monday with Jacq @ Pulau Ubin before the school nightmare sucks, and yesterday I was studying at school in the morning before I opened Band room, am I awesome or what! :D

Posting results are out today, it's like a bolus of emotions from everyone that I don't know how to react already, especially when I have to play the role of nanny to 15+ sec 4's. Those who are appealing to CJ through Band. It's kinda tiring to be honest but it's alright, it's really all part of my job! I realized I can't be whining anymore this year about my workload and shit because I know it's just going to pile up CCA-wise but I'll still take it in because I know I'm stronger than this and I'm stronger than you! I will be victorious.

AND OF COURSE, I'll study before all the J1's do and I'll bet their asses down in the first few tests because I'm damn pro mwahahahaha. (Or at least I hope, all these is purely speculation!) AND I'LL TRY NOT TO DRIFT AWAY DURING LECTURES. Last year was really horrible cos I spent all my time in lectures just thinking about stuff that I shouldn't have, I just wanna listen and everything so that I can do better.

AND NEXT WEDNESDAY IS THE DAMN CCA ORIENTATION DAY AND MUSE'S BIG NIGHT OUT IS ON THAT DAY. JUST LET ME PON BAND ON THAT FUCKING DAY PLEASE PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO MISS THEM FOR ANYTHING, FUCKKKKKKKKK PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE.

Woah, why am I even up this early.
I can't get back to sleep.
Okay, might as well do something constructive.

2010-01-22T00:49:00.000+08:00

On Facebook:
Ngiam Xing Yi
~reconnect with him~

HAHA NO JACQ I WONT DO IT!
You can remember his number for all I care but I won't do anything!!!
:D

2010-01-20T23:46:00.000+08:00

Hair fall control hair fall control.
I'm only 17 years old and I have to deal so much with this.
I wonder if she will still want me after I lose all my hair ):

And btw,
I'M NOT FAT.
JUST OBESE.

2010-01-18T22:49:00.001+08:00

What about me?
Have you just erased me off again?
I'm ):
Why does this always happen.

Forgotten.

2010-01-17T15:56:00.002+08:00

Tell me lies.
Tell me sweet little lies.
You tell me a lie.

So can you tell me what I'm being treated as now? From the way I see things, I just feel like I'm some fodder, some playdoh shit that can be molded into your purpose. But why do you even do this to me, because it's really unfair to me how I am to you. Perhaps I should just be a shadow passing by in everybody's life now, why bother being so apathetic? When no one actually cares for you. They say they'd want to listen but no, all people ever want to do is to talk about themselves and not caring what you want to say.

It will never change.
I'm fraught with disappointment.
In myself.

2010-01-14T00:10:00.002+08:00

My heart's tangled up.
And I can't stop fightinggg
can't stop fightinggg!
With the demon deep inside.

I need you more than ever.
That my heart can sayyy!
And I can't stop fightinggg
can't stop fightinggg!
With the one inside//

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lately has been an emotional rollercoaster inside of me. Not battling against anyone else but against me and my own basic principles and honestly I can't get it. I don't understand anymore because once again I've lost my own identity and it's getting to me because the more people question me, the more I get influenced. I admit, it's really more of a question of what people expect me to be rather than what I expect myself to be.

This isn't me anymore.

Last night, in a very long time I just felt totally suicidal again when I looked outside my window and I just wanted to go but when I started thinking more than usual.

This time, I realized I had more of a reason to live.
Not for myself.
But for others.

2010-01-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

What do YOU fight for?
We all wonder do we.

Miserable day ):

2010-01-11T12:03:00.002+08:00

So if Jesus had a cat, this would be it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's kinda weird not going to school when everyone's already there and there are some people who probably don't know about it. But it's okay I'm sure everything will be alright. Life always falls into place, somehow, even though we may not like it very much. That was what I have learnt. Certain things that make us look at the world differently are the guidelines to know that we're really living in a pile of shit and that shit is the very existence and core of our existence, just to know that we're not a fading dream.

After all, coming from a person who doesn't believe in perfection.

I was reading up on this effect called the inflammatory response the other day, which is what I've always been talking about the powers of human adaptation. Somehow it still fascinates me that a simple thing like this could actually occur in such a demented world. Inflammatory response basically occurs when a new virus appears in the human body and immediately the body produces antibodies and erects a new immunity barrier to combat these viruses. Which actually links to how we work in our everyday lives. We see people we don't like, immediately we put on strong defenses and are wary of how we speak and act in front of this people. Perhaps it's because of this twisted warped mindset of humans that actually bring about the cause of inflammatory response. Be it good or bad, that it protects you, you have to decide. Wondering always if anything is bad for you doesn't help. After all,

life is all about mistakes.

And maybe it's time to understand why people dislike you and ignore you all the time. Don't live in this world not understanding anything you have to change. Please do find out and not be such a rockhead.

And I never did change.
You just never knew that I existed.

2010-01-10T23:22:00.001+08:00

You know she's awesome when she buys you alcoholic drinks!
:)

2010-01-09T22:02:00.001+08:00

Hold me and never let go.
:)

2010-01-08T22:22:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but when I'm with you I'm just so happy honestly. I'm sorry if I'm a bitch or anything sometimes but thanks so much for putting up with my nonsense all the time and trying to understand me! It's just these days that shit has been coming up and I'm sorry for all the time work has been interfering whenever we go out.

But you're so awesome! :D

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi everyone.

You know, I shall be a selective bitch in replying messages nowadays. Since people does that to me all the time. Screw the shit where I'm trying to show concern and no reply is given, okay sure, then you can just keep it to yourself, not that I will want to involve myself anyways.

Thanks for replying my messages everyone.

I'm so tired!

Just came back from Band chalet and I don't even know what time I slept hahahaha but it felt like I was sleeping on 2 people the entire time I don't know who, probably Gabriel and Kenneth hahaha. Tomorrow is gonna be a Band day again and I hope that we can end on time hahahaha. I can't wait for the interesting life that's going to be upcoming soon.

Balls!
Good night.

2010-01-05T07:53:00.001+08:00

If there's such a thing like power napping, I am what they call: power blogging. I'm just trying to rush things out of my head in the morning before heading off to Band. I realized I have to blog more often because nowadays in real life I can't really seem to put my thoughts to words anymore and I'm becoming less verbal. I think it's really because I don't blog as often writing down all the intricacies in life.

But anywayssssssss!
Band is stressful, and fun to an extent.
But I cannot see myself surviving through a leadership post throughout.

Homework.
What homework?
Hahaha starting school on 28th Jan ftw.

Sigh,
I wish sir wouldn't have screwed up our plans.
I thought when he approved, he meant like APPROVED?
But nevermind, bring on the fucking challenges!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Jackie is honestly crazy because she likes bling stuff. WHO THE HELL ON EARTH LIKES BLING STUFF SRSLY?!! Hahahahaha, but you're still awesome :) In your own way!

:)

2010-01-03T22:06:00.000+08:00

"To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan and not quite enough time." Leonard Bernstein

2010-01-03T09:35:00.004+08:00

Soooooooooooo after like a long time, I think I'm probably finally gonna get a replacement phone. The only reason why I delayed so much was because I enjoyed NOT having a phone hahaha. Why? Cos I like it when no one can contact me, that I can come and go that easily. I can just choose the people who I want to contact instead of them choosing to contact me. Yeah, everyone who I tell this to just gives me the -.- look probably I know cos I'm retarded.

I've been listening to loads and loads of Classical music nowadays, it's quite amazing how much power and presence an audio file can provide, in addition to all the songs that I ~~don't~~ have. I HAVE YET TO LISTEN TO TCHAIKOVSKY'S HOUR'S LONG SONGS. Basically just what I want to listen is Symphony no 5 in E minor, op 64 - Romeo and Juliet. Heard that it's like this whole great orchestral excerpt and I wanna listen but it's 75 minutes longgggggggggggggg, but I have the awesome CD's woo!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So.

Do I have a right to be feeling like this after what I heard? I seriously don't know, I just feel like shit and I've been waking up in the middle of the night thinking about what Nick told me and I'm just quite... sad? Do I have a right to be I don't know, I'm just kinda pissed off that it just happened like that, I mean I should know right? BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP FEELING LIKE THIS COS I'M MADE LIKE THIS.

I'm angry.
Or disappointed ):

OR MAYBE I'M JUST BEING A PARANOID FUCK!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

School's kinda starting for everyone except me? Hahahahahahahaha, so funny but in a sad comedic way. Well, I just start school 2 weeks later than the J2's what does it matter. I'll just blend in with everyone else and I'll restart my life from J1 again. I know I did take the cowardly way out but sometimes, I can't fight myself, because I'm weak.

But I'm not going to waste my life away pooling on all the things that I did in 2009. I know that it was probably not worth it and I'm moving on, a new start and I'll push forward.

With a little changes of course, hehe.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Alrighttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
I love doing disappearing acts! Hahahaha.
Okay see ya.

2010-01-01T20:58:00.002+08:00

Fucking moodswings.

After spending a whole day doing no shit. I realized how much effort and balls of steel that it must actually take to just get off the couch and do something constructive such as practicing Tuba and going for a jog, in which I did both in the end, because I started lamenting on how pathetic I was straying in this life.

Life? Haha.

2010-01-01T00:33:00.001+08:00

When will I fucking learn.
To be happy.

Fuck.

2009-12-31T21:32:00.002+08:00

Hello World.

I don't feel safe! I feel like there is an assassin right after me, down clearing smelling over my tracks waiting to pounce on me whenever he gets the chance to do so, why? Because I am a threat to him! Hahaha, I've just been having this unanswered sense of insecurity for reasons I cannot fathom.

Anyways, it's gonna be a new year again. Yes again. I wonder how many has passed, or how many I've actually remembered. It's been a longgggggggggggggggg longgggggggggggggg time and I wonder how I'm actually gonna pull through 2010, let alone the rest of my life of whatever I have left.

I can't find myself the motivation to blog nowadays, everyday are like sleepless nights which I find myself waking up and slaving myself forward for the same reason always! But I kinda like the challenges that are placed before me, without challenges there's no point in doing whatever, I will conquer and you will fall. Just watch me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And!

For those who knows what recently happened good for you haha. Not like it's some huge secret that I'm keeping anyways. I think that it really took me enough balls to finally ask Jac for it and I know that I am really taking a big step. But I'm so scared, I'm really so scared. ): I don't know how I should be and everything.

I shouldn't be writing all these here!

I'm so scared I don't think you know ): But I'll really do my best in whatever! Haha shit I feel so retarded because I'm retarded and you know I'm retarded too :D

But thank you :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not good to be in one of my moods when I'm starting to blog again.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO I WILL REFRAIN.
Okay maybe I just don't feel like doing anything today.
I'm just feeling so empty... and lonely.

Fuck this shit, tomorrow please come...

):
):
):
):
):

"I hate the loneliness, but it loves me"

2009-12-26T13:18:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well I've been kinda thinking about everything, my future and I kinda decided that I wanna aim towards something my interest but the thing is that, it's probably not towards my favour. I've been thinking about alot of things about my future nowadays and at least now I know what I wanna work towards.

Which brings me to the next point, I better honestly get organized this year. I've always been screwing around taking things as they come probably that's why I've faltered so much and I know that it seriously sucks taking things as they drive head on into you. It kinda hurts after that, during all the little things that are happening.

Hello 2010.

2009-12-24T00:14:00.003+08:00

So it's been a long time before anything actually happened!
Hahaha, well it's been exciting nowadays.

I think being in co-ed schools suck basically because once you are in a management group with females, they tend to make the biggest fucking fuss out of every small shit and which they can't understand IT SHOULDN'T BE SOLVED THIS WAY BECAUSE IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE SOLVED. But they probably won't understand cos they're girls. In the end, who has to suffer, not the guys or girls but everyone simply cos we don't collude, but we collide.

Laughable.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A restart isn't easy.

But it's possible and always possible because I know it can be done. I was sorry for everything. It was probably we ran past the foundation stages and everything, pushing and pushing doesn't help. We didn't get all the building blocks right.

But we'll make it :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

And for fucking stalkers:

Please do not irritate me anymore, cos I'm sick and tired of your shit trying to prove to me that you know everythign about me and where i go, who I'm with. Get yourself back to a shithole please cos I'm sick of you being around.

And for people who misuse my trust:

Screw off and fuck you cos I'm probably never going to trust you with anything again. We were but we are not. Look at yourself and think of how you tried to be my friend while I trusted you so much.

And for the people who hates me:

Fuck you :)

2009-12-21T01:10:00.001+08:00

SO IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA BE LIKE ALL THE TIME?! I NEVER FUCKING EXPECTED BAND IN JC TO BE LIKE THAT. WHO THE FUCK PLANS FOR EVERY SINGLE THING AND I'M REALLY DAMN PISSED OFF. HOW IMMATURE CAN EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON BE AND THERE IS NO SENSE OF SPONTANEITY, ALL I JUST IS TO WANNA FUCK OFF AND BE A NORMAL BAND MEMBER ALREADY, WHY THROW ALL THESE SHIT ON ME BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCKING PLAY TUBA THAT'S ALL NOTHING ELSE. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF NOW BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE FUCKING TIME TO PRACTICE? EVERY SINGLE PRACTICE I'M RUNNING AROUND DOING SHIT FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE MY SECTION AND ME?

Oh God please, just help me.
I beg you.

LOST MY PHONE.
LOST MY KEYS.
ALMOST LOST MY PASSPORT.
And no one understands why I do.

JUST
LET
ME
GO
AND
SHUT
UP

2009-12-10T23:17:00.000+08:00

Today was nice!

Just a day out of relaxation.
I wish it could be everyday.

2009-12-09T21:37:00.002+08:00

I realized alot of people keep asking me this question: Why don't you have a girlfriend? I'm like, why the hell do I look like I would have a girlfriend, haha apparently they think I'm good-looking? I LOL IN YOUR FACE LA ASSHOLES, you're blind to my ass plz. Where the hell got good looking, my face so many pores and I'm fat fat fat fat fat fat ): And I'm very socialble meh? I don't think so, I only make friends selectively hahaha what the hell man, I don't think I need or want a girlfriend, if she comes she will come.

But too, I realize I expect too much if I would have a girlfriend. I totally just want 100% concentration and care, which obviously wouldn't happen, I expect too much and I get jealous balls all the time. So I think, no girl can ever survive me, better not break their hearts because I'm such an asshat all the time.

Alright, I said enough about this.

2009-12-08T20:06:00.002+08:00

Today, was an interesting day. It was supposed to be my break day from Band, but I stupidly went ahead to still go ahead with Band plans. I was bloody rudely awaken in the morning asking that I needed a favour form my brother who I thought already went back to camp. Bloody hell, don't they know that for the past few days I haven't gotten any much sleep. I can't even get myself to fucking sleep late. So anyways, I did my brother's saikang as usual. SINCE SECONDARY SCHOOL IT HAS BEEN HAPPENING, everytime he needed/forgot something, he would ask me to bring it over for him. Goddammit, and you thought it would change after he got into OCS, but noooooooo, he just had to forget his uniform and little brother has to do shit for him, sigh.

Anyways, today I went down to AC, I wanted to help their Tuba section but kinda failed. Honestly, I had no idea what the hell I was doing there hahaha, but anyways, stayed awhile for combined and like woah I tell you, the songs that they actually try to sight read are hard, but within my capabilities la. If you give something like that to CJ...

Whatever, I don't want to harp on it. Anyways, stayed awhile back to search for ensemble scores that I can give to CJ, borrowed some from Joshua, woah he's damn friendly and lol-worthy sometimes. Then I followed Sir back to his new house, bloody hell damn near to AC la. His house damn nice omg, confirm must crash one day, but sian only got one bedroom, just parteh and parteh!

Then went with Sir to AJ, and then played for awhile with them too. Sigh, why are all of them improving so much, which makes me think why CJ is like that. I'm really stressed over this issue that everyone is much better except for us, sigh. AJ decors was cool btw. Btw, that Alex song is so damn similar to TMC. AND WHY MAKE ALL YOUR BANDS DO PERCY GRAINGER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, WTFZ. Okay okay, Percy's works are fine, Shepherd's Hey? ): Anyways, afterwards, I raided their library as usual and I found some shit that I probably would be able to use :) Then I went home with Steph carrying fat Meinl.

Today was really kinda productive la. It's not just cos I got to 'spy' on the other 2 Bands. I got some scores from here and there and everywhere! Which is a good thing cos CJ library can suck my balls. Then, I got to see how the other 2 Bands are, which really gave me much much much much insight on how much we are actually lacking in... I'm really sad over this now. Thirdly, I went to observe both their student conductors, and I realized how much I pale in comparison to them, I learnt some things from them today and I will use it. Why am I so weak :(

Sigh.
PUSH ON EVERYONE.
Don't complain!

2009-12-06T20:26:00.002+08:00

Woah, moments or reluctance and emotional downturns. These few days had been like that and I really don't understand how to solve these problems and I look at how selfish I am when I'm trying to do things because I always want it to be done MY way and I want it to remain as that. I should learn to open up to all those little and big opinions our there.

Everyone's trying to do something and they always think I'm doing alot of things but I'm going to admit here that I don't because I was born a slacker but I was also born to cover up my mess smartly. So that people won't see all the shit I did, scheming I guess but that's how I do things and I tend to forget about all the things I did and the consequences will still carry on, and all the after effects will lead to today and the shitbag that I've become.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I pushed this thought to the back of my mind before.
But now that I have more time..

I always wondered why I couldn't duplicate myself, I could make a million of myselves and make this world a totally better place to live in. Like I always thought I could form a one piece Band by myself since I know how to play every thing. But then the world would be filled with me, so I would hate everyone, funny. But anyways that's not the main reason for this duplicity.

There was a point last week where everyone around me was breaking down, I realized I was so lost cos there was so many people who needed me and I was just running around lost. I wished I could have just remade myself so many times and be there for every single individual that needed my help. But I couldn't, I tried.. but I really couldn't. I ended up ignoring the people who needed help because I couldn't take it upon me, I hate this weak side of mine. I must learn to be stronger, I can't be vulnerable to this. People need me, but I don't need them.

Grow stronger.

---------------------------------------------------------------

It's a good thing that there was so many things to take care of recently. Which mainly revolved around Band, that I had no time to think about the more important stuff in my life. I don't want to think about them, I'm a coward, I'm totally going to run away from everything and I will not want to face the people who I've let down and I'm a fucking failure, forgive me.

How well do you know me?

At a point of time, when you thought you knew me so well just because we talked more than others. But you don't even know me do you. You don't know what I do after school, you have no idea who I'm always with. Don't take my words for face value, cos I can tell you right now, I always lie. Every time I said I was doing A, I was actually doing B. I'm such a liar, accept it. I've never ever told people the truth because I don't want you to know what I'm doing. I hate intrusion, don't ever try to understand me because I hate it, when someone knows you entirely inside out and thinks that they can read your movements.

Because you can't.

So stop it, you don't know me at all.
I don't want to take drastic measures.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, LONG OVERDUE BUT ALRIGHT I'LL SUMMARIZE.

Thailand trip was awesome, I freaking love Thailand, I love the 7-11 in Thailand! But the buildings and everything are all shit hahaha, they look like shit and they're probably shit. I'll remember everything about countries I've been too, cos I don't usually get out of Singapore that often.

Drinking.
Puking on the carpet floor.
The tom yum.
The taupoks.
Condoms.
Porn.
Saudi Arabian chicks :D

HAHAHAHAHA, so many awesome stuff to remember MAWE trip by.
Alright, but as life moves on, people move on :)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Tune in yesterday.
Sigh, even though the sec 4's thought it was alright. I think our management screwed up big time, but at least we stuck to the allocated time, except for Sir who dragged the last part which he said he wouldn't but he still did hahaha, it's alright, used to it already.

Bollocks.

But Sir is really right, something has to be done. And that itself is already an understatement, thing is, I'm so damn confused, I have no idea what to do now, I'm music IC and he wants the damned ensemble thing which already proved to be a failure and I know he wants to do it again cos he wants to see what we have learnt from that time.

I can't take it anymore

2009-12-04T23:54:00.001+08:00

~~Xing Hao wants an organizer~~

Xing Hao needs an organizer

2009-12-03T00:27:00.000+08:00

How to get hot chicks 101:
Use breath mint plz.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Been really a busy 2 weeks, I don't even have time to eat and that's funny because it's actually true hahahaha! But whatever, it'll help me lose weight anyways. I just want all these shit to be over and I can't stand the nagging tongues anymore, the faceless looks from everyone, the dark cold touch of whoever that's around me.

I should update about Thailand!
But I don't have time to lift my balls off this chair to think.
Hahaha, I will soon enough.

Bye boobies

2009-12-01T04:57:00.000+08:00

Thanks ah.
I just needed the reminder that I suck once I landed on Singapore.
Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
I suck.

2009-11-24T00:47:00.003+08:00

You know what pisses me off? The fucking way to talk to others about me, treating me like some shit and how you're always putting me down thinking that I'm no fucking human without emotions. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND, I AM HUMAN. Be sensitive please? I respect your goddamn reputation so why can't you do the same for me.

We will die.
But can you not let us die off this horribly?

2009-11-24T00:36:00.001+08:00

-I'm fucking tired.
-Sorry if I didn't reply your messages or whatever.
-I'm fucking tired.
-I'm so stressed.
-I haven't packed, trip's tomorrow.
-I'm scared for CJCSB.
-I'm fucking arguing with my parents over shit which they don't bother to listen.
-I fucking don't want to argue with them, they're fucking piss.
-I'm fucking tired.

2009-11-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

Xing Hao - Let's make sure says:
- m nt gng t spk wth vwls tdy

audrey(R) says:
-G T HLL NDRSTND THT SNTNC
-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

---------------------------------------------------------------

LOL

2009-11-20T23:07:00.002+08:00

I miss.

I miss being treated special. Like you know, there are times that when you're with people and that you feel like they tell you their secrets and stuff, that they trust you so much. And you feel so special because you think they only trust you enough to know it. This is why I also tell things selectively to people, I want them to feel the same way as I do. Don't you feel good when you know someone actually treats you in a special way? Different from the normal things that they just tell everyone.

I miss that.

But some point or another. I have to realize that when I thought I was special, I wasn't actually. To that person I was just another. Another one of their pawns. Just someone to use when they need a bloody listening ear, I wasn't special at all, they had many people to turn to and I don't even know why I had to listen. I wanted to be the only one, I'm selfish, I want to mean something to someone. But no, I end up being fodder.

Which is what I think, we should never place ourselves too highly on someone's list. We'll just end up getting disappointed. But all I ever wanted was to be wanted. I'm just dreaming in some deserted plain and in hope of finding some sort of life form. But I wish I wasn't wrong most of the time, cos whenever I choose to trust you, I just realized that there is no point.

Like a dead end.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish we could be friends.

2009-11-19T13:28:00.002+08:00

The thing about CJCSB nowadays is that it's such a Deja Vu of the SYF period. I remember I wasn't the SL back then but I was expected to do all the SL duties and I was constantly pressurized to do shit that I wasn't supposed to do, but I still pushed on, because it was my responsibility as a member of CJCSB. But for now, it's the same thing still, I am not the SC but I am standing in for the SC duties because I don't want shit to happen to everyone, I know I'm not a good one, but the same thing happens when Sir pressurizes me to do everything when I already have my own problems on my back. But I don't complain I still do it, because it's my responsibility not to let shit fall and in the end get blamed for everything.

Responsibility.
What a fuck.

And yet, some people can be that goddamned selfish and doesn't see how people are trying to contribute to this shit and trying their best to not let everythign be destroyed. I have a choice not to give a fuck but I do. Tbh, I don't want to? I don't want to do all these shit, I'm dragging my own spiritless body down a path and I'm just pushing and pushing where damage isn't even existent because I've no sensory to whatever that's happening around me.

And I have this thinking that Sir's idea of uniformity is just so wrong. If everyone was uniform there wouldn't be anything at all. That is why I am always against conformity, it brings you to this point of saturation where everyone's ideas are so rigid and slate that no matter how much a force can break.

Is this music?
Is this art?

No.
Expressivo is part of this.
Not rigidity.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something I still don't fucking understand about girls.
Why do they want to know so much about you when in the end.
All they ever do is fucking talk about themselves.

It's as if, they're just hopelessly in love with themselves.
Pathetic.

2009-11-18T23:59:00.001+08:00

I'm such a fucker.
...

2009-11-17T18:08:00.000+08:00

Have I ever told you so:

That I fucking hate you?
Or is it not obvious enough

2009-11-17T04:18:00.001+08:00

2 semi-druken dicks over at Jan's house last night.
Fucking focusing on the damn penguin the whole night.
Cooking seafood lol pasta for no reason cos we want to.
PLAYING IRRITATING SONGS THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.
Rethinking the demon theory! :(

My virginal experience at clubbing was kinda interesting.
Never opened my world to this side before and it can fun for destressing.
And kill your lungs as well, which I'm going to destroy soon anyways.
But firmly said, I don't think it's my type of thing, bleh.
Time to find something else interesting to waste my life away.

------------------------------------------------------------

Stop pretending like your existence is void plz.
I am the worst of your enemies.

2009-11-15T11:44:00.002+08:00

Why doesn't anyone want to look from my fucking POV. Why doesn't anyone understand. I've been listing out all the factors to you and yet you don't bother to listen, you're always filtering out whatever shit that I'm trying to tell you and tell me whatever YOU think is right but no. You don't even want to hear me out, and it's just about what YOU think. And stop bringing religion into all these shit, I don't believe that everything is ordained, if I cut off my arm right in front of you now and I tell you God ordained for that to happen, is it? No, it's my personal choice, paths are created by God, the route to walk is not decided by him, he is just the one who opens up these paths. This is entirely not the point, you don't know my difficulties.

Fuck this shit.
I've been stressing out the whole week over this.
I'm asking people what to do and stuffs, but I sort of have my mind made.

But I've never told anyone the reason why.
I'll be miserable next year if I do continue.

2009-11-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

Look.
Go fucking be who you want and lead your life.
I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE

2009-11-14T06:46:00.001+08:00

My hands are cold and I wish it wouldn't be.

2009-11-12T23:10:00.003+08:00

Quote of the day:
"Huh, the world ending on the 21st December 2012?! My birthday on 22nd leh!"
Christopher Choy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress fills my mind, stress fills my mind.
Band sure does these weird shit to me.
At least I find myself occupied with this rather than..
Anyways! it's kinda retarded, everything that has been going on.

It's weird how I'm fretting over something non-existent.
Like I'm thinking so much about Band where there haven't been pracs.
It's like life, how we always think about problems that aren't there.
Sigh.

Today, I screwed up.
I'm very sorry comm & everyone.
Really sorry.

2009-11-12T00:59:00.003+08:00

"IT IS BECAUSE I'M IN MY YOUTH THAT I WILL DRINK, I WILL FALL, I WILL CRY, I WILL MOVE ON, I WILL LIKE GIRLS, I WILL SMOKE, I WILL TAKE DRUGS, I WILL DO STUPID THINGS,I WILL MAKE OUT, I WILL KISS YOU ALL OVER, I WILL GET WASTED EVERY NIGHT, I WILL DANCE, I WILL CALL GIRLS LATE AT NIGHT, I WILL FALL IN LOVE, I WILL HAVE SEX, I WILL GET HEARTBROKEN, I WILL HATE GIRLS."

The golden years of my youth.
Let's do this shit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really wish now I was back in a boy's school.
Jansonnnnnnnnn, why are you not here.
SUNDAY WE SHALL GO FOR BEERFEST.

I said I was selfish.
But I place everyone else above myself.
Why doesn't anyone ever notice that.
I want the best for all of you?

2009-11-09T23:00:00.001+08:00

This is.
Absolutely.
Beautiful.

Beauty is even an understatement for this piece.
Shit, don't tear, don't tear.

2009-11-09T22:47:00.000+08:00

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

2009-11-09T16:50:00.001+08:00

"She's trying, she's trying."
I know she is man. But.
There are boundaries.

2009-11-08T22:58:00.001+08:00

Ask me again.
Why I like the lonely silence.

2009-11-08T21:58:00.001+08:00

I hate your friends.
Mine too.

2009-11-08T11:04:00.001+08:00

Finding something that is non-existent.

2009-11-06T21:51:00.002+08:00

This is why I love Cats.
I just find myself so similar to them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I actually have nothing to say here.
Just that I have antibodies.
Byebye.

2009-11-05T17:02:00.003+08:00

I just heard something.
That I shouldn't have.

Oh God, the irony!
A few months ago I was still stuck that I wouldn't want it.
But now, after the countless contemplations, and the discovery of something new.
I just want to stay behind.

Oh God, the irony.

2009-11-04T01:12:00.002+08:00

If I could ask you a question.

"Why the hell are you so greedy?"
I don't get your shit man, I don't understand why must you retain everything when you have so much already, just throw it away. Can't you see that you are so goddamn selfish for the people who actually want to move to your space. You just want to keep everyone inside. If that's the case, why don't you just expel me from your vision, life even.

I feel hurt.
Cos I don't feel you anymore.
Just, stop your nonsense.

Fade away.

2009-11-01T19:58:00.001+08:00

We all have our wants don't we?
The world doesn't understand us like we do.